Control

I’ve come to realize I have a bit of a thing with control. Not in some villainous, must-dominate-everything kind of way—but in a quiet, persistent way that shows up in moments where I feel vulnerable.

Flying, for instance, absolutely terrifies me. I know the stats. I know it’s supposedly the safest way to travel. But the second that door seals shut and I’m strapped into a floating metal tube, I feel totally trapped. I’m not in control. And that freaks me out.

Even when it comes to driving, I always prefer to be the one behind the wheel. I like knowing I can leave when I want, stop when I need to, and decide the pace. I like having control.

Lately, though, I’ve started to notice how this thread of control weaves its way into my parenting. And it’s in those moments where I don’t have control that I find myself the most frustrated.

My kid is a textbook 12-hour sleeper. If he wakes at 7am, I know bedtime needs to be 7pm to avoid the overtired tornado that follows. But there are nights—many, many nights—where he just can’t wind down. If he’s in the car or stroller, he’ll knock out in minutes. But in bed? It’s like sleep becomes this unattainable concept. Some nights it takes two hours of coaxing, back-patting, bargaining. And I get so frustrated.

Not because he’s doing anything wrong. But because I’m trying to control the outcome. I’m clinging to the 7pm bedtime like it’s law, because I don’t want to deal with the aftermath of a tired kid the next day. But the truth is—I can’t make him sleep. Just like I can’t make him like broccoli or kale chips. The more I push healthy foods, the more he resists. And I realized: these moments feel hard not just because parenting is hard, but because I’m trying to control a human.

And wow, that hit me.

Why am I trying to control him? I wouldn’t want anyone doing that to me. I want him to have autonomy. I want him to know his body and listen to it. Sure, I want what’s best for him, but that doesn’t mean I should try to script his every outcome. There’s a big difference between guiding and controlling.

So I’ve been practicing the art of letting go. You don’t want to fall asleep right now? Okay—entertain yourself until your body says it’s ready. You don’t want this carrot today? Cool—maybe next time.

And honestly? Life feels a little easier this way. A little more peaceful. A little more human.